Entry 2: Me, Myself and I.

Every day it’s getting easier and easier. Every day I see a little bit more of myself come out. All this time; I was so hooked on the idea of trying to find out who I was that I ended up loosing myself in the process. Since I started this I have had more of a desire to do things and it hasn’t even been that long. 1 month ago I would have never been able to write this. I still probably would have been stuck at the “My name is Marilyn…” part on my first entry. I keep telling myself to not to think about how much I have to loose because it seems so far away. I googled “How long are the Biggest Loser contestants on the ranch” and it came back with 5 months. It makes me feel better knowing that if I work hard enough I might have the results I want by then.

On another note, today I woke up really late. I thought about telling you guys I got up  and had my green tea like I wanted to but I made a promise to myself that this blog will be raw! As raw as honesty can be. I feel it is necessary to be honest and admit to things otherwise I will never go forward. Michael leaves for work here at 3:30pm and doesn’t come home until 3am so I have taken on his schedule and I wait up for him. Therefore my days are kind of like my nights and my nights are like my days. Usually we’ll get up about Noon or 1pm. Today Michael got up early but I was a zombie lying in bed until 3pm. I had to get in gear. Talk about eating breakfast? HA! What a joke. I had a half of a box of mac n cheese because there is nothing healthy in this house and I filled up my gallon water pitcher for the day and I did make my green tea it just wasn’t in the morning. I also squeezed half of a lemon in my green tea for double the trouble!! I put the water I need to take in, in a pitcher. I like to see how far I need to go and how much I’ve drank already. Just another one of those things that help push me forward. Hopefully this Saturday I’ll be getting some healthier food options. I’m not one to eat breakfast but I will eat a banana every morning. They say that if you eat a banana in the morning it gives you just as much energy if not more than drinking a cup of coffee! At 5:30pm I met up with my friend to go on our first walk. I haven’t walked since last summer so I wasn’t sure how far I’d go or how easy it would be. I set my alarm on my phone for 15 minutes and if we wanted to turn around that would have made a half hour having to walk back but we decided to keep on going and in the end we walked for 50 minutes. I’m not really sure how many miles or any of that stuff. Quite frankly I don’t think I’d want to know. I want to become obsessed with loosing weight but not to the point of the discouragement possibility. I have also decided I will be weighing in every week to see my progress. Not every day because I will go crazy! I’m thinking every Friday. This Friday will not be much because it was a little rocky to get going on this whole thing but that’s ok. I also told myself I wasn’t going to take before and after pictures but today I took pictures. I will not post them on here due to me being extremely embarrassed about my body but I hope one day I will look so good I will be proud to show a before and after picture side by side. I also took a picture of me wearing a shirt that no long fits me. I have set my first goal and that is to be able to fit back into it. I think that’s a good goal don’t you? I have always stayed away from setting goals because that is how I ended up quitting when I tried to loose weight every other single time. I have no time frame on this and I will just keep going until I am satisfied. I have my phone wallpaper set to something I put together saying “Get up. Eat Healthy. Say no! Exercise. Walk. Don’t give up. Be strong. This is your happily ever after. It is possible. Do it for you.” I am forced to look at this EVERY SINGLE DAY and the day I change it will be the day I am where I want to be. If I change it before then you might as well kill me now! If you haven’t noticed I am really into self motivating. I have to force myself to be. I never was before but I need to believe in myself and know that I can do this. I remember one time I was at the super market and the lady in front of me in line turned around and asked me “When are you due?” I had the most confused look on my face and then the look of mortification just started to appear on her face and mine. I know it wasn’t her fault and that she actually thought I was pregnant but that didn’t even motivate me to loose weight, it just slipped me into another one of my depressions. So that is why it is so important to me to keep looking at quotes/hearing peoples input. I don’t ever want to feel or be asked that question ever again. That is the worst.

My feet hurt so badly from the walk today. It feels like there are blisters on my foot but I can’t see anything. I need to get new shoes bad. The only pair I have are actually a pair of slippers my Mom got for me with rubber bottoms a long time ago. They look like moccasins so I can get away with it but not for walking! I’m going to wear my NIKE sandals tomorrow when we walk again. They will be much more comfortable until I get a new pair of sneaks. It sucks about my feet because they hurt so bad there is no way I will do my Richard Simmons work out today. I wish I would have done it before I left BUT I can do sit-ups/crunches. So I will do those and then do some more to try to make up from my lost work out.

To wrap this up, in the past week; the person who I thought I was; is slowly disappearing. I can’t wait to meet myself again. It’s like I’m expecting a family member or an old friend to arrive to visit that I haven’t seen in a long time. I always thought when you grow up, you grow into the person you are supposed to be but in my case I feel everything went opposite from that. I am more so chasing the dream of my 9 year old self vs. whom I want to be in the future. We are always the same person and we only change because we feel we have to. Now I’m trying to go back in time by shedding of the layers so my real self can show. Someone I never got the chance to meet and if I did, I killed it with a happy meal. Confused? Me too. Now you know how I feel, lol! OK... LESS TALK, MORE DOING!!!

                                     A picture from my walk today.

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