Entry 55: Would you like some bad with that good?

I feel I need to get real again. I have been truthful with my blogs but have been leaving out the nitty gritty details that used to make it interesting.

Today I almost gave up. I felt as if I was back at square one. I have been feeling like this for a while now. Feeling like I have been setting myself up for failure. I didn’t want to deal with this process anymore. My problem is that it doesn’t happen fast enough. Throughout the years I would get all into fitness and when it didn’t happen the next day I said screw it. That’s kind of how I felt today. I’m still really big and I feel like I’m almost at a standstill. It almost seems like this process is never going to get over with. I acted like a baby, sat in silence, cried, got mad at Michael for literally no reason and fell asleep at 2 in the afternoon because all I wanted to do was lie in bed and feel sorry for myself. I slept for 10 minutes and woke up to Michael cutting the grass. I went downstairs and started to make dinner vigorously. I made bacon and macaroni & cheese. I was in the mind set that I was going to eat whatever; whenever and wherever I wanted and not care. When all the food was done I didn’t touch a single thing. I gave it to Michael and made myself 2 eggs and toast. Sometimes it almost feels like I have a split personality with dieting; one side of me is saying to eat junk! - eat junk! - eat junk! And the other side is telling me that I know better. Luckily the side that is telling me I know better is screaming it lol. I am very happy now that I didn’t go crazy earlier because if I did; I would have felt even worse. It took me all the way until about an hour and half ago when I finally put my shoes on; went down in the basement; stood on the treadmill and literally SLAPPED myself across the face. That is just what I needed. It snapped me out of it & I ended up having one of the best work outs I have had. I pushed myself and stepped up my routine!

"Discipline is doing what needs to be done, even when you don’t want to."

Besides all the crazy; I didn’t cheat too badly on my cheat day when I was out of town yesterday. I didn’t have as much water as I would have liked to. I had a banana for breakfast and had some little snacks I packed for lunch because we were busy. For dinner I cheated with food that they had at the event. I had a sloppy joe, raw broccoli, carrots, raw cauliflower and I sat down; started eating and I realized that I had chips & dip on my plate!!! AHHH! I was eating them too! I have NO idea what I was thinking when I grabbed them. Those are my ONE big NO-NO thing. I ended up eating them and they were delicious. I only had a handful on the plate with a spoonful of dip & I did not get up and get any more. My chip addiction was so bad that I am programmed automatically to grab them when they are within sight! LOL! I literally thought “where was I?” when I noticed that I had them.