Entry 382: #Lies I Tell Myself

I have been in a baking mood lately. Today I made pumpkin cookies. They are not for me but I can't say I did not try one...or two! I don't like frosting on my cookie so I ate a non-frosted one. I also made Michael brownies. We used to be so good and not keeping stuff like that around but when I get in one of my Suzy homemaker modes I just can't stop. This lifestyle is not going to last for long. I have been getting my crap together these past few days. I have been good and have been making sure to work out every day and am now going to seriously watch my calories. I have gotten too careless with that. It is so easy to skip a workout and has been very hard for me to get down a routine that works with my schedule. Once I give away the cookies and Michael gets rid of the brownies there will be no more of that junk! I am not big on sweets so it is not hard for me to resist; but from here on out, absolutely no more junk. I can't even say that you can have what you want only if you eat in moderation. That just ends up being a lie I tell myself to make it ok. Deep down I know I will go ape on whatever junk food is lying around. It's just the thing I tell myself when I want to cheat without remorse.  

It has been very hard for me to admit that I have been gaining weight back. It feels better to ignore it and hope it goes away but realistically that isn't going to happen. I can no longer comfort myself with a lie. I am not comfortable in my own skin lately and that is a big indicator to me that I need to get with the program. My problem will not go away and is something I have to deal with head on. I would like to lose 80 more pounds for myself. I know how awesome it would make me feel and less self-conscious. I am also so upset that I did not get to my goal weight for my wedding day but instead I gained weight and crossed my fingers that my dress would fit. I tend to eat under pressure and go for what's easy without thinking about the after math. It seems I got to a certain point with this process and then decided to say screw it! I know it's a lifestyle change and I know I have to re-evaluate my situation. Certain things have to change and I can't focus on the end result. I have to be in the moment and take care of business today, in the now. I need to quit looking back and replaying all the would-a, could-a, should-a's. It doesn't matter how many times it takes to get going: what matters is that you never give up.

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The past is history & tomorrow is a mystery!

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