Entry 35: Life is but a day dream.

It has been one of those days for self reflecting. I have been thinking all day about my past, my present & my future. I have been thinking about the people that have been in it, the people that haven’t been in it & the people that I wish still were.

I have been feeling bummed out. I don’t know where it’s coming from but I just can’t help but to sit here in self pity. I can’t believe this mess I have gotten myself into. I have never done anything harder in my life than what I am doing now. 23 years of putting all of this weight on and I am hoping to take 100 pounds of it off in 6 months. At the rate I’m going I hope to reach that goal by the end of October. I know, don’t get my hopes up but it keeps me going.

I have been walking to my Moms these past few days. I have been taking a new route that is more challenging. Much more scenic too! But today I am going to work out in the basement. Yesterday I was so tired! I didn’t want to do a darn thing. I thought well if I don’t feel like exercising in the basement or walking I’ll go for a bike ride. I almost got more of a workout from that than if I were to have done any of the other options! I walk my bike up hills a lot but I give it my all until I can’t pedal any more. My thighs ached so badly when I got home. Every time I’m walking my bike and a car passes me I almost put my head down in shame lol. I can’t shift gears on my bike so it’s really hard to go up hills. The more I do it, the more I won’t have to walk my bike.

If I lose 100 pounds it will put me at 238 pounds. At 238 I would still be considered obese. I will be extremely happy with anything in the 100’s lol. According to my BMI my normal weight would be 155. I don’t know if I want to go down to that. I would be happy with 170 but I wouldn’t be complaining about 155 either! I would still have to lose a little over 160 pounds all together to get to 155. That is a WHOLE person I have to lose! It still seems so far away. So, so, so, so far away :( It makes the 21 pounds I have lost so far seem so insignificant.

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