Entry 322: Getting my ducks in a row

Ever since I was younger I have wanted to lose weight. I remember when I was in 7th grade I was talking to a fellow classmate and I mentioned that I wanted to lose weight. I remember they said something along the lines of; "I like you the way you are, don't lose weight. You wouldn't be MarBear if you did. It would be weird." - To think I actually carried that with me for so many years, if others were ok with me than why shouldn't I be? It was something that I always thought back to when I tried to lose weight before. It was almost an anchor that held me down for so many years. Since it was said to me in such a positive way, I found that I would tell myself "People will not like me if I lose weight." To think I actually thought I'd lose friends?! If you think I'm crazy now, imagine my mind at a 7th grade level. I twisted EVERYTHING up, therefore, holding me back from what I most desired. Somehow gaining the nickname "MarBear" didn't help either. I was never made fun of with that nickname but was called it often by many people for the fact that I was bigger? I can't imagine why else. It's the little things that can make the most impact I guess.

I am at a point right now where I feel like Eddy Murphy as Sherman Klump in The Nutty Professor. I have been feeling different (& not in a good way). I have been slowly seeing my old self come out. The face says it all for me. The first weight I lose or gain is in my face and let's just say a double chin has been making its appearance. It's a good thing I plan to start back up full force this coming week. I am going grocery shopping this weekend so whatever day we go is when I will start. I know I can start now but for me I have to have a game plan mapped out in my head. Like I said in my last post, this past week has been all about mental preparation. I have already lost 100 pounds; I know I can do it again. If I think I feel helpless now, I just have to remember how helpless I felt on day 1 when I was 338 pounds. Sometimes I forget but I need to remember my pain, my struggles and the determination that the 338 pound Marilyn had. I need to remember how bad I wanted this and how far I have already come. It is a lifestyle change and I don't know how I got so off course. This summer was supposed to be my summer! I also haven't weighed myself. I am scared to! Right now, I feel that I'm better off not knowing for fear of any further discouragement. I will weigh in when I am ready and am feeling good. I know once I re-start I am going to take off; I have made this up in my mind. No food is worth it unless Gordon Ramsey were to make me something then in that case I would eat whatever he gave me EVEN if it fell on the floor (I'm a HUGE fan) LOL - I know what has worked for me in the past and I know what I need to do to succeed. Watch out world, HERE I COME! (again)

---

---