Entry 307: I am over the hill; now I just have to go through the woods...

This one is from the heart.

You never really know how you're going to feel once you reach one of your major life goals. I don't know if I was expecting some magical power but I had to force myself back down to reality. Last night I broke down. I knew it was coming; it was just a matter of when. When I started this, in my mind, in order for me to keep moving forward, I told myself I will probably be happy if I lose just 100 pounds. I knew when I got to 100 pounds down I would weigh 238 but for some reason I thought for me it would be different. Like 238 would be "my skinny" or something. I didn't expect to still be overweight and I have yet another journey to go through. I knew deep down I would still be in my battle at this point. It just didn't hit me until last night. I was lying in bed thinking, very quiet and then Michael asked me what was wrong. We are going to go grocery shopping today and I told him that I didn't want to go; I didn't want to be seen. In tears I told him I was afraid of what people might think if they see me and have heard that I have lost 100 pounds and then see that I still look chunky. To me when you hear that someone has lost 100 pounds you think they must be pretty slim but in my case I still have more to go. It may sound stupid but I have had a feeling of embarrassment. After that he then said these magical words that put me back down on earth: "I thought you were doing this for you, remember?" - Yes, I am doing this for ME.

I have also realized that my blog is a big part in what keeps me going and it is what I need to help me succeed in my weight loss. You guys may be happy to hear I will still be posting as usual. No one week check-ins, no monthly check-ins but every day like I have been with the occasional Saturday off.

This past Saturday was the day I finally got to my goal of being 100 pounds down. I didn't cheat as bad as I was expecting myself to cheat. First off I skipped my lemon water, I didn't work out and didn't drink any green tea. I haven't had much of an appetite and I have realized I get full a lot faster since I had put myself on a mostly green diet. I woke up and my Mom brought me over a breakfast from Beef-A-Roo (a fast food chain we have in town). I had scrambled eggs, 1 sausage patty, potato rounds, an English muffin and 2 slices of thin bacon. Ever since I was little my Dad and I would always split a Beef-A-Roo breakfast and since I have been grown I still used to get them on a regular basis but this past Saturday was the first time I had one in over a year! Around lunch time I finally ate that candy bar that Michael had bought me a while ago and then I missed out on having lunch. I had plans to have a few friends over that night and had made some frosted sugar cookies the night before. When they came over I had cookies, chips and Roma pizza. I also had 2 cans of that new Bud Light Straw-ber-ita drink that they have out now. Later on Michael went to McDonalds and I had some French fries and chicken nuggets. Since I have got to my goal I started to get into the mind set that now I can eat whatever, whenever, wherever. Since I started my journey I had it in my head that once I got to 100 down I could finally break free from my routine and go back to the way things were. I could tell Michael and my Mom seemed a little worried. They don't want me to go backwards and she was happy to hear last night that I am going to get back on track today. After all it is a LIFESTYLE CHANGE not a fad diet. It's going to be a battle to shake these last 68 pounds I have to lose and it STILL will be a battle to maintain my weight. I have realized it is an endless cycle but you just have to force yourself to make the right decisions to better yourself. I have heard it all from people who say they aren't "water drinkers" to the ones who say they don't eat breakfast because they aren't morning people. Oh I have been there. Do you think I am a water drinker? No. Do you think I love having breakfast right away in the morning? No. Do you think I LOVE green tea? No. Do you think I love to exercise? No. Do you think I love to squeeze a half of a lemon into warm water every morning, before I can even open my eyes? NO! I do these things because I know these are the things that benefit me the most. You have to change in order to succeed.

Now to talk about Sunday; I skipped my lemon water again and didn't drink any green tea. I woke up and ate 2 sugar cookies for breakfast and had some cold pizza for lunch that I had left over from Saturday. Michael and I were planning to order pizza for dinner to celebrate and pig out. We had planned to do this for a month before I got to my goal. I called to order them and they were closed! We ended up getting KFC and that was my 100 pound down celebratory dinner. Part of me was disappointed. I had plans to either order pizza or go out to eat at a restaurant. I never imagined my 100 pound down celebratory dinner would have been KFC! We each got one of those new 2 piece boneless chicken dinners. They weren't that great. Later on I had a Snickers candy bar with some chips that were also left over from Saturday. I also didn't work out.

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So in saying all of this; today is a new day. I woke up and had my lemon water and made myself some oatmeal for breakfast. I had 1 cup of coffee and am on my 2nd cup of green tea right now. I am not sure what I will have for lunch. I also plan to work out. Michael and I plan to go grocery shopping when he gets home from work around 4 PM so I am not sure what I will have for dinner either. Since losing 100 pounds I am not going to be so hard on myself but I will still have restrictions. I am going to go back to weighing in only on Fridays and I have re-started my marble jars. I have exactly 68 more pounds to lose until I will be entirely happy with myself. I can do it. If I can lose 100, I can lose 68! I am over that hump I feel I needed to get over. I imagine it as a roller coaster; I crept my way up to the top and now I'm on my way down.

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