This one is from the heart.
You never really know how you're going to feel once you reach one of your major life goals. I don't know if I was expecting some magical power but I had to force myself back down to reality. Last night I broke down. I knew it was coming; it was just a matter of when. When I started this, in my mind, in order for me to keep moving forward, I told myself I will probably be happy if I lose just 100 pounds. I knew when I got to 100 pounds down I would weigh 238 but for some reason I thought for me it would be different. Like 238 would be "my skinny" or something. I didn't expect to still be overweight and I have yet another journey to go through. I knew deep down I would still be in my battle at this point. It just didn't hit me until last night. I was lying in bed thinking, very quiet and then Michael asked me what was wrong. We are going to go grocery shopping today and I told him that I didn't want to go; I didn't want to be seen. In tears I told him I was afraid of what people might think if they see me and have heard that I have lost 100 pounds and then see that I still look chunky. To me when you hear that someone has lost 100 pounds you think they must be pretty slim but in my case I still have more to go. It may sound stupid but I have had a feeling of embarrassment. After that he then said these magical words that put me back down on earth: "I thought you were doing this for you, remember?" - Yes, I am doing this for ME.
I have also realized that my blog is a big part in what keeps me going and it is what I need to help me succeed in my weight loss. You guys may be happy to hear I will still be posting as usual. No one week check-ins, no monthly check-ins but every day like I have been with the occasional Saturday off.
This past Saturday was the day I finally got to my goal of being 100 pounds down. I didn't cheat as bad as I was expecting myself to cheat. First off I skipped my lemon water, I didn't work out and didn't drink any green tea. I haven't had much of an appetite and I have realized I get full a lot faster since I had put myself on a mostly green diet. I woke up and my Mom brought me over a breakfast from Beef-A-Roo (a fast food chain we have in town). I had scrambled eggs, 1 sausage patty, potato rounds, an English muffin and 2 slices of thin bacon. Ever since I was little my Dad and I would always split a Beef-A-Roo breakfast and since I have been grown I still used to get them on a regular basis but this past Saturday was the first time I had one in over a year! Around lunch time I finally ate that candy bar that Michael had bought me a while ago and then I missed out on having lunch. I had plans to have a few friends over that night and had made some frosted sugar cookies the night before. When they came over I had cookies, chips and Roma pizza. I also had 2 cans of that new Bud Light Straw-ber-ita drink that they have out now. Later on Michael went to McDonalds and I had some French fries and chicken nuggets. Since I have got to my goal I started to get into the mind set that now I can eat whatever, whenever, wherever. Since I started my journey I had it in my head that once I got to 100 down I could finally break free from my routine and go back to the way things were. I could tell Michael and my Mom seemed a little worried. They don't want me to go backwards and she was happy to hear last night that I am going to get back on track today. After all it is a LIFESTYLE CHANGE not a fad diet. It's going to be a battle to shake these last 68 pounds I have to lose and it STILL will be a battle to maintain my weight. I have realized it is an endless cycle but you just have to force yourself to make the right decisions to better yourself. I have heard it all from people who say they aren't "water drinkers" to the ones who say they don't eat breakfast because they aren't morning people. Oh I have been there. Do you think I am a water drinker? No. Do you think I love having breakfast right away in the morning? No. Do you think I LOVE green tea? No. Do you think I love to exercise? No. Do you think I love to squeeze a half of a lemon into warm water every morning, before I can even open my eyes? NO! I do these things because I know these are the things that benefit me the most. You have to change in order to succeed.
Now to talk about Sunday; I skipped my lemon water again and didn't drink any green tea. I woke up and ate 2 sugar cookies for breakfast and had some cold pizza for lunch that I had left over from Saturday. Michael and I were planning to order pizza for dinner to celebrate and pig out. We had planned to do this for a month before I got to my goal. I called to order them and they were closed! We ended up getting KFC and that was my 100 pound down celebratory dinner. Part of me was disappointed. I had plans to either order pizza or go out to eat at a restaurant. I never imagined my 100 pound down celebratory dinner would have been KFC! We each got one of those new 2 piece boneless chicken dinners. They weren't that great. Later on I had a Snickers candy bar with some chips that were also left over from Saturday. I also didn't work out.
So in saying all of this; today is a new day. I woke up and had my lemon water and made myself some oatmeal for breakfast. I had 1 cup of coffee and am on my 2nd cup of green tea right now. I am not sure what I will have for lunch. I also plan to work out. Michael and I plan to go grocery shopping when he gets home from work around 4 PM so I am not sure what I will have for dinner either. Since losing 100 pounds I am not going to be so hard on myself but I will still have restrictions. I am going to go back to weighing in only on Fridays and I have re-started my marble jars. I have exactly 68 more pounds to lose until I will be entirely happy with myself. I can do it. If I can lose 100, I can lose 68! I am over that hump I feel I needed to get over. I imagine it as a roller coaster; I crept my way up to the top and now I'm on my way down.
My name is Marilyn and I am 27 years old. I have been overweight for most of my life and on May 1st, 2012 I weighed in at 338 pounds. This blog is about my weight-loss journey.